Back in the Swing
Now this is an odd sensation. Sat in front of a laptop and typing out a blogpost. That isn’t to say I haven’t tried in the past year. I’ve tried on numerous occasions however, the words just weren’t flowing.
2018. That was a year. It was a pretty good year for me overall. I can’t say I was overly busy, but I was doing something. I was concentrating on me… mostly.
At the beginning of 2018 I felt like I was suffocating. Suffocated and like I was spiralling downwards with no way of reaching the surface for air.
Most of you probably look at that and think “Ah, you clearly had a problem with mental health”. You’re right. However, at the time it was so ingrained that it felt almost normal. “That’s just how I am” I’d think.
I read up on all the symptoms, watched so many YouTube videos however, I still felt that what I was experiencing couldn’t be depression or anxiety. After all, what do I have to be depressed or anxious about? Nothing.
This continued to get worse until a colleague found me crying in the bathroom at work. I was usually pretty good at not getting caught. I was good at hiding how I felt, faking a smile when I needed to, and imprisoned the part of me which was screaming and rattling the cages in my mind for help. She saw right through me and told me to go and see my doctor. So that’s what I did and she recommended me to an NHS service called Health in Mind.
I found out you can either be referred by your doctor or you can self-refer. I chose to talk to them via telephone and I cannot begin to explain how much they helped me. Am I cured? Admittedly, no. I still have my ups and downs, as I’m sure everyone does. But I have learned what tools to use to keep them from turning into low moods or low months.
This isn’t the first time I’ve attempted to write a blog post about this however, I was halfway through last time when the next day I experienced a panic attack at work. During all my years with depression and anxiety I hadn’t had a panic attack, needless to say it terrified me. We now have mental health people on site, something we hadn’t had prior, so I contacted one of them who took me out and helped me calm down with some fresh air. She advised me to go back to my doctor for a re-referral to obtain some coping mechanisms.
So, that’s where I am now. Cured? No. But I feel a million miles away from how I felt this time last year. I’m lucky to have such fantastic friends and family who have understood and supported me. My family probably took the brunt of my mood, probably still do. Thankfully, even throughout all of this, being with friends was a way for me to finally breathe.
Moving away slightly from the heavier stuff above, there were some really exciting things I did last year.
For one, I continued writing (and mid-writing editing, I know bad me!) my novel Creon. I’ve written 25,000 words and have made a decision to expand the story in another direction. I didn’t plan this when I started this story however, I’m really excited for the change of pace I hope it will bring.
Towards the end of last year I decided to start seeing a personal trainer. Let me just put this out there right now. I Hate Exercise. Sadly, this is the exact reason for the personal trainer. To force me to exercise. There have been (many) occasions I didn’t want to go. There have been (many) tears shed in regards to the sessions. My trainer is absolutely amazing, and I can’t fault her in the slightest. She just forces me to exercise against my will, and because it’s good for me I can’t even be mad at her.
2018 was also the year I became a Godmother to an adorable little boy, Charlie. It was and is an honour. I love that kid to bits.
Two friends got married and another two got engaged. I know these events have nothing to do with me but damn it I’m excited for them!
This year wasn’t a year for climbing mountains (literally or metaphorically). It wasn’t a year where I smashed goals. It was a year I began to heal within myself. I went out with friends and thoroughly enjoyed spending time with them, as I always do. I had numerous cuddles with my Godson.
I’ve always enjoyed spending time alone with something to do or something in the background, but now I’ve learned to mute the voice inside my head in the silence. Perfectly? No. But I’m getting there.
Moving forwards I of course want to continue blogging, but I think I’ll dip my toes in and see how it goes. I’ll be uploading whatever I want, which is pretty usual for me anyway.
I don’t always want to do big blog posts, sometimes I may do something smaller. It all depends. I’m going to experiment.
So, here’s to 2019!
May it be awesome.
Until next time!